Manic Mantra

I think I've let myself be distracted long enough.

It's time to take charge of changing my life around, and no one's gonna be able to give me what I don't try to give myself.

I am making an oath to go prowling for a job. And I'm not allowing myself to make up anymore excuses. There is no better time than now, it is either Do or Die. I MUST DO THIS BEFORE I LOSE MY MIND.

If I don't get a permanent job by the end of this year, I am packing up and heading home. It'll be one of the most difficult decisions I have to make, and probably the most painful. But I think it's a calculated risk worth taking. I've thought long and hard about it, and I think it is for the best.

MY DEADLINE ENDS DECEMBER 2010.

I've regretted decisions or lack-of decisions in the past due to my hesitation, but this is the biggest milestone in my life yet - the volatile years between graduation and parenthood. I believe that what I do in the next few years will determine my happiness and contentment for the next 20 or so years.

When I do eventually settle down and start a family, I want to do it whole-heartedly and not wonder about the "What-Ifs" and the "I Should Haves". My future hubby and kids should not have to suffer because of my poor decisions (and hard-to-please nature).

*takes a huge breath*


Anyway, with all said and done I think having a goal in sight and a rough sketch of a plan in place, I'll feel a lot more secure and less susceptible to the random emotional blowups that I've subjected us both to the past couple of months. It seems that anytime I don't have work to keep my mind occupied with, I'll start nitpicking at my unachievements and getting flustered. And all of a sudden, I want to just give Perth the finger and book my first flight home.

Which, thankfully, I have not succumbed to.

Amidst all these... let's call them "my little empowering mantras", I'm not going to make any selfish and impulsive decisions without taking my other half into consideration. It's not his fault that I am weak-willed and stubborn at the same time. Possibly the worst trait combination in history. -.-

I also have to remember that Subang grass may seem a lot greener to me right now because of my homesickness, but there was a huge reason for me leaving to begin with. And I'm not going back until I have something to shove into their faces with.

Silly to be living my life based on a bunch of judgmental folks, but I'm too tired to be the bigger person at the moment. I'll do it when I'm a bit more successful and not juggling 30 years worth of worries on my shoulders.

Wish me luck now, for the billionth time. :) I promise I'll follow through with my plans this time around. I will not fail me, I will not fail us.



xx Hsin