Crank up the Cranium

**Disclaimer: Long and wordy post up ahead.

I have a lot on my plate at the moment. Mostly little things, some even negligible, but all crammed up in a tiny corner at the back of my head. I think that's the Stress/Anxiety side of the brain, lodged in between the Rational Left and Creative Right. Or was it the other way round?

First off, my cat is ill. Well not exactly ill, but she has this scabby patch above her eye which appears to be getting worse by the day. Initially we just thought that she bumped her head and had a bruise (that was what it looked like at the start). But the scabbing got worse, either because she's been scratching, or it's something a lot more serious that warrants treatment. We've been waiting for our appointment with the vet this coming Monday (she has a sterilization due), but over the last few days the scab seems to be deteriorating rapidly. And so are my wits.


:: Ashamed of her scarred face :(

Mitch said not to worry since the cat doesn't appear to be too concerned about it, apart from her occasional scratching and pawing at it. But given that this is my first ever cat friend, and my tendency to leap into borderline-schizo paranoia, I am imploding with anxiety and worry.

What if it's serious? What if it's untreatable? What if she needs surgery? How am I gonna afford any vet services?? Well I can, but it's just so damn expensive holy shietz.

But see what I mean though, the excessive worrying. Probably explains why I'm the only person I know of my age who got hospitalized for anxiety attacks. -.-

Sigh, what does this say about me. I have every making of becoming a painfully over-protective mother in the future, and that's the last thing I want to be. Having grown up in what I deem to be a 'too-sheltered' household, and watching the younger generation in my family being subjected to even more protectiveness, I made a promise to myself to allow my kids grow by their own terms, and to live and play and learn at the expense of scraped knees, dirty clothes and perhaps even a fractured bone.

That's not to say that my family did a bad job raising me. If anything, my mother has always been and still is 100% supportive of my actions and decisions the past 25 years. I think that everyone just got too caught up with the bad things that are happening around them - disease outbreaks, natural disasters, the global obsession with germs (I stand by my belief that anti-bacterial soap will kill us all in the end), the neighbourhood crime, terrorism and warfare, 2012. A culmination of all these events eventually leads to a paranoid society, which trickles down to communities and family units, and inevitably, to individuals like myself.

I'm trying to move away from all that, and I honestly think there's progress. I mean first step in solving any problem is recognizing it, right? Hopefully in a few years' time I'll get a lot better, and I won't end up as a mother who sterilize her children every morning and send them to school in a kid-size bubble wrap.


:: Haha although apparently, someone's already beaten me to it.


Ok I digress. Moving on to bigger, more current things.

A possible job prospect. In the Eastern states. I know nothing about it to date, except that the CEO/owner is a friend of my dad's, and I'm given a name and a number to call in a couple of weeks' time (that's when he returns to Melbourne). I hope I'm not jinxing it by talking about it so soon, but I need to pen out my thoughts to make sense of them.

So what's not to consider about my treasured first, proper employment opportunity? Relocation, for one - since my lease for this place in Perth doesn't end till next February. I guess that can be sorted out if I'm employed full-time, although paying two rents a month will still be quite painful. -.- But I'll be leaving behind a boyfriend and a cat, and that will be a lot more difficult.

Second of all, and perhaps a bit more complicated for me, is the fact that this person is my father's contact. As you maybe know, my relationship with my dad is kinda... strained over the years. And ever since I could, I've stopped accepting any favours or help from him - simply because I don't want to owe him anything, and so I'll feel less horrible and ungrateful as a person. It's an issue that's taken up permanent residence in Anxiety Hind Side of Brain, but that's a story for another day.

So, if things do work out with this prospect, I'll be going against everything I've worked so hard to avoid. =/ It'll be silly to give up such a good opportunity over principles though - but I most likely won't, because I'm not the strongest of principle-keepers, and because I really really want a full-time job in my industry. And I have a deadline hanging over my head.

Maybe I'm just making excuses for myself. I'm afraid of being disappointed yet again, and this time it will be a major blow since it's the big connection/recommendation that's supposed to be an employment guarantee. Although truth be told, it will not be the first time that he broke my heart. =/ However if this doesn't work, I would have come close to exhausting my resources plus I'll have to deal with the shame of breaking principle. -.-

So how now, brown brown cow? How to impress a potential employer if I'm clouded with all these personal conflicts and doubts? How to convince him that I am, in fact, a worthy addition to his company while secretly bracing for disappointment? That while I may be a little messed up and throw lady tantrums in my head sometimes, I am pretty smart and have all the skills that meet the job description and more?

I think all these explain the throbbing headaches I've been having. I'm never one to get bad headaches, not even when I'm massively hungover. I think Hind Brain must be overworked overtime, and only getting paid $19 an hour. ;)


xx
Hsin