Oktober(mind)fest

Someone wrote on FB today:

Happy 1st October! Only 3 more months to go before we usher in 2011! How much more things to you need to achieve before you bid 2010 adieu?

And it got me thinking - oh by golly, it's time for another self-indulgent, soul-searching entry!

I know pretty damn well what I still need to do before the year ends. It largely involves my career progression, or rather what's lack of it (half full half empty). But it's a lovely day today - bright and sunny, got a day off after a physically hectic few days at work. So instead of focusing on the lack of, let's have a round up of "what had" in the past 10 months.

2010 started a bit sketchy, what with the stress of moving out and house-hunting. Had a bit of a monetary tiff with the previous landlady, which unfortunately didn't quite work out to our benefits - but letting bygones be bygones, I'm happy to move on and never have to deal with her ever again.

Then came the stress of finding a new place within a short time span. That was partly our fault cos we didn't plan ahead, plus we were away for the holidays and got back just on time. This was the first time any of us had to really search for a place to live, considering that we had the convenience of the Student Village in our first year, and then a friend's shared house in the subsequent years. For me, it was the first time that I faced the possibility of not having a roof over my head - lessons in adult responsibility 101.

And we were lucky to have stumbled upon this unit. In fact the place sorta fell onto our laps; we've been looking at several places, none of which really materialized. It was either too expensive, too rundown (we viewed one unit which had a sunken ceiling and rotting bathroom fixtures; another one which was painted in depression and screamed suicidal), too shit of a location. And when we did find ones we really liked, our application was rejected. :(

So when we received a phone call from one of the real estate agencies, saying that a place we had "registered our interest for" had been made available once again, and whether we were interested to view it, we jumped on it immediately. I didn't even remember this place; I think we must have missed the initial viewing sesh or something. Probably due to work, which we couldn't afford to miss either since we had rent deposit to worry about.

As soon as we stepped in, I'd decided that we're ready to move in. It wasn't the biggest flashiest place (in fact it was quite the small), but it felt nice and homey. The rent was surprisingly good for the location that it was in (2 minutes drive from the city!), the view was superb - so all that was left to do now was to convince the agent that we were the perfect tenants.

And we were a bit luckier this time around. :)

After a superbly bad 2009, I was all that more grateful that we finally caught a break. Things were beginning to look up; and the optimism slowly grew over the year. Good things creep up to you unexpectedly, and sometimes unnoticeably as well. Looking back, 2010 has brought me a place of our own, total financial independence, my TR, my first cat, a proper savings account even goddammit.

In 2010, I have also started writing again, started volunteering with Oxfam, established new friendships and revisited old ones. I properly thought about the future and allowed myself to think about family, which you may have noticed in some of my previous entries. Just recently, I've even summed up the courage for forgiveness, as I realized how much and how hard he's tried to work things out with me.

If anything, being here and being with Mitch has taught me to view the dynamics of family ties a lot more differently. I think it's easy to be blinded by each others' faults; and to be fair, sometimes these faults outweigh everything else, so forgiveness isn't necessarily in place for all members. But. I happen to see some redeeming qualities, just a bit. So for now, I start by accepting phone calls, and talking to him. And from there, I'll see how things go. :)

Okok, back to less private stuff.

So now, every time I start moping or wallowing in self-pity, I remind myself that I've come a rather long way from the carefree days of living at home, and living off my parents' support, financially and otherwise. I broke out of my comfort circle and everything that I am so familiar with; and till now, I have yet to build a new one.

But what's living if life isn't a challenge, eh? :) Without realizing, I've crossed several milestones in the past 3 years, and it has taken me down a path I hadn't anticipated previously, which sometimes still shits me. It always make me question myself whether I'd made the right choices in life - but you know what, no such thing as right or wrong choice, just what you make out of it.

Problem is, I'm hopeless with the whole concept of "contentment"; so despite which road I choose, even if it's paved with yellow fucking bricks, I am always gonna ask myself, "Is this right?". I think a certain Robert Frost spoke about this in the last century, if my memory serves me right.

So life lesson 101: Contentment is the key to happiness. If that fails, suck it up and stop whinging (sub lesson 101a: It's probably just hormonal).

Until then, just keep trying. Isn't that what everyone strives for anyway, to find the elusive key to happiness. Or meaning of life, depending on which school of thoughts you belong to. Thus for my remaining 90 days of the year, I vow to soldier on in my quest to forge some semblance of a career in order to fill my present void of discontentment. Cross the bridge when I come to it etc.

Here's to a spectacular rest-of-the-year for all of us! :)


xx
Hsin