Why Not?

Roughly 3 months since my previous post, and I thought just as much as you did that I've jumped ships once more and gave up writing. Or blogging at least.

So much have taken place in the past couple of months, and the effect of them all has been overwhelming to say the least. Not necessarily in a bad way, but I have been insufferable at times, and those are the very moments that I've felt inclined to write and whinge about my pitiful state to cyberspace.

But I resisted. Yet here I am once more - with a slightly more purposeful entry! (sort of)

xxx

As I've mentioned, the last few months of hiatus was a result of lotsa turns of events , one of which being my employment status. I have since evolved from being a casual employee of RGIS, to being a casual employee of RGIS and an unpaid, status-unconfirmed employee/contractor to another company! Things have been pretty bumpy so far, and I have been constantly questioning my ability and approaches to the extend of almost giving up. =/ But if there's anything I picked up from this endeavor so far is to believe in the power of perseverance, hard work and a whole shit load of optimism. That last bit being the hardest of them all, especially for a painfully pessimistic dump like myself.

So the big idea, as highlighted at the start of this entry - to seek a greater purpose. I've had the opportunity to attend a TED talk last weekend, and the common ground that most of the speakers subscribed to is to serve a bigger purpose outside one's self. And I'm not referring to a more ethereal, out-of-this-world purpose (i.e. God, although I respect the merits of that too); but something closer to home. Extolling changes to the world, one person at a time.



One of the videos screened was of Simon Sinek's Golden Circle model, which attributed some of the world's greatest leaders and success stories to a simple methodology of "Why, What, How" in that respective order. While his talk focused mainly on a marketing perspective, I think the message rings true for most aspects of life.

In order to succeed, you need to be a 100% certain of your goal and purpose, and have all your actions be consistent with it.

Sounds simple enough. But a lot harder to achieve. If it was then we would all be internet billionaires and/or history book-worthy revolutionaries. Yet we're not, because most of us (who aren't already content with their lives) are stuck in a rut, knowing that plenty more can be done but we're just not cut out for it or simply can't muster up enough strength and commitment to do it.

And that is exactly where I am at the moment. So right now, I'm gonna start by identifying what it is that ruffles my feathers (is that a valid saying? Sounds like a valid saying), and hopefully make something out of it. It's a bit hard to identify what truly rocks my boat to its deepest core and what is just a passing cause that I'm concerned about.

Why?

What is the reason that gets me out of bed every morning (or early noon) and not feel like the world has just punched me in my face with my alarm phone?

8 miles

First and foremost, a Happy Spanking New Year to everybody! :) Hope you have had a lovely Chrissie and NYE celebration; or at the very least, enjoyed the back-to-back long weekends.

Ever since I legally could, both Christmas eve and New Year's eve celebrations for me had more or less involved one or more of the following: 1) drinking; 2) out partying; 3) counting down in a packed and noisy place; 4) drinking some more. 8 years on, I've finally hung up my party shoes and quietly ushered in Christmas and New Year with my family and loved ones. :)


:: And with nary a drop of booze! ::

8 years, holy crap. 8 years since I was finished with high school. 8 years since I shed those hideous turquoise uniforms and relished the new found freedom that came with college and a driving license (and subsequently, my own car). 8 years since I've first pursued my dreams, realized it was the wrong one, and found the courage to pursue another despite several rather impressionable objections.

And here I am, 8 years on - still living, still writing, and still determined to pursue contentment. Yes, it took me 5 years of tertiary education, thousands of dollars and plenty of self-doubt to realize that my dream is to be contented with life. Not just any mediocre offerings in life of course; but to at least have given a shot to everything I've ever set out to do so I'd be able to look back and go, "Hell yes I've done that. TWICE." Or you know, something to that extend.

2010 had been a progressive one for me, both emotionally and financially. Mostly the former (and not enough of the latter); SO FOR THIS YEAR, I've dusted my apron free of moping and general whinging, and will focus on getting specific things done. No vague and ambiguous goals, I'm listing out the Must Do's in detail:

1) Get re-acquainted with the arts - Must complete at least 1 book a month, watch at least 1 complex media-studies-esque movie a month, AND attend at least 1 stage performance every 2 months (because it costs a lot more than the other two, ok?). If I miss another epic concert I will shoot myself. AC/DC shall be my final regret.

2) Try something new... as and when possible. By the end of this year, I must have learned or picked up at least 3 new skills/hobbies/languages/habits/abilities etc.

3) Balls up with the job hunt. The WA market has had a boom over summer apparently, so let the engineers and accountants be rightfully placed in their respective roles, and leave the creative comm business to the likes of me, thankyouverymuch. A reward system will be put in place to motivate self.

4) No hesitations. Yang if you're reading this, anytime I set out to do something but chicken out at the last minute, I give you authority to use all means to force me back on track. Even if it's something stupid and pointless.

5) Be frugal! .... as and when possible. Think of Greece every time I'm about to succumb to temptation.



And there you have it, my resolutions for 2011. And to the rest of you, here's to a blessed, shiny new year full of surprises, love and no hesitations. :)

Happee 2011!

Aurgasmic

It's been a good while since I've gone out of my way to scour for new music. 'New' in a relative sense; as in, never have I heard of these particular artist or band before, and neither has the local radio station.

Some few years ago (give or take 5), I used to dedicate large portions of my snail-paced Internet time searching the deepest, most obscured corners of the World Wide Web for semi unheard-of bands or song releases of bands from my then gospel: Japanese rock. Actually most of those bands were not that alternative if one was really into the J-rock scene in those days - Dir en Grey, MUCC, Laruku, Miyavi, Shiina Ringo.


Hell yeah, you still rock my sexy socks Kaoru

But through the powers of mp3 rotation sites, I was able to discover and even help spread the word of what I'd like to think were lesser known bands - Alice Nine, Coaltar of the Deeper, Deathgaze, Baroque. I promise I'm not name-dropping for the sake of it; it's more of a tribute post to another time, and perhaps some former mp3 rotation peers would one day do a Google search and be brought here. And we can reminisce over the good times together - back when visual kei bands were original and wrote some killer stuff, and metal did not necessarily equate to mindless death screams from start till end.

Once I moved on from J-rock, I got into local indie rock bands. For a while, I was really into the burgeoning underground English music scene in KL; going to bars and dilapidated pubs to watch them perform. We even became quite chummy with a few of them, exchanging pleasantries at gigs, scouring free CDs and posters. Good times, good times. And I think the scene has grown quite a lot since then; at least new bands don't have to be subjected to the creaking floorboards and piss-stained stairs of Paul's Place anymore. ;)

Then I moved over here, lost touch of everything and everyone from that time, and pretty well just grew out of it, I guess. Most of us did, including the band guys themselves who suited up and got day jobs. And I think inadvertently, I became a grumpy old person who thinks that no music today comes close to being as good, let alone surpassing the music of yesterday (my days).

But thankfully, I'm with someone who shares my ideology of an ageing music grump. Despite his love for bad, synth-heavy 80's music, Mitch and I spend many collective hours in the car, bitching about the degradation of popular music these days. A simple comparison: Bieber vs BSB. Need I say more? Yes I do: BSB is not a 10 yr old lesbian boy trying to teach girls all over the world about love and heartbreak or whatever it is he sings about. At least Aaron Carter had the audacity to sing about candies and girls in sweaters when he was 10. And his brother was Nick Carter, so that's street cred times a billion in the late 90s.

Btw, it seems that The Biebs made a comment recently in the press about how he feels like he's the Kurt Cobain of this generation because he's "just as misunderstood by the masses". Well maybe he should put a gun to his head as well, because really nothing says teenage angst more than edgy bowl cuts and almost getting arrested for throwing water balloons at National Guards. Water fucking balloons.

And you know what angers me even more? His goddamn fans.



But I rest my case, because I am not a music snob and everyone has the right to pretend to like deceased grunge icons for the sake of being rad. Even emo mofos and Twilight fans.

Sigh, I think it's a sign that I'm growing old. I'm becoming one of the classic parent type who thinks that their kids' music is shit and that they don't make good songs anymore. And I very much agree - I do think the 60s-80s gave us some truly un-reproducable epics (mostly because power rock ballads unfortunately went out of fashion), but I also believe that the 90s gave some serious contenders in the form of alternative rock and early house music. Wallflowers, Soul Asylum, Chemical Brothers, Goo Goo Dolls, Foo Fighters, Fat Boy Slim, Counting Crows, Incubus, pre-solo-career Matchbox 20, Radiohead, STP, The Cranberries, Jamiroquai.

I digress, again. My train of thoughts never stay on track, I can't help myself. And then I can't bring myself to delete whole paragraphs of earnestly typed words. I wonder if I'm like that when I speak to people as well, hm.

ANYWAY! Back to my original intention of this post. I was meant to say that I've been uninspired by the popular music of today, which sent me backwards in time when searching for 'new old music'. I've forgotten how it feels like to discover a brand new sound, chance upon a singer or band who just absolutely blows my mind, one track at a time. And then spreading the word about said artist(s) to like-minded and like-tasted peers and watch their minds get blown away.

That is, until I came across this site.

Over the years I've stumbled upon similar sites, mostly forum-type things or web radio. And none of which really resonated with me up till now. I love the minute descriptions of each recommended artist and the varied hybrid-genres they feature. Most indie music sites stick to a fairly uniform set list of dreamy, lo-fi acoustic sounds, but Aurgasm branches out to jazz, big band, funk, soul, electro, and even hip-hop! (albeit, not your ordinary Jay-Z staple). And what's more, the guys also throw in a good mix of Scandinavian and European acts which we otherwise would not have heard of on this side of the planet.

Thanks to Paul Irish and his crew, I am now rocking some serious Dutch cabaret jazz, Swedish big band swing and a French soul man funking up Seven Nation Army.

I've been rejuvenated!

Schmism

Aaaand we're back to having grouchy-esque days.

Can't say it hasn't been a good week so far, have just been feeling a bit disconnected from everything.

Think I need a breath of fresh air. In a literal, going outside or "opening the windows" sense.

Hate oversleeping-in, completely destroys my mood for the rest of the day. Have got stuff I need to do, but just feel like crawling back to bed and speeding up the process of tomorrow.

Mmmmmm or perhaps I shall take an extended hot shower to treatment and exfoliate the hell out of everything treatable and exfoliatable.

Then get a bit of goodness inside my system as well. Something like a salad maybe, but I only have tomatoes, zucchini and carrots in my fridge. And I hate raw carrots and zucchinis. Plus I need to save them for tonight's gratin.

Guess it's refined sugar and MSG for lunch then.

I shall then commence my weekend work, maybe by completing them I'll achieve a slight sense of fulfillment. Which could hopefully lead to motivation to edit my damn job resume. Come to think of it, I think it was the disappointing job search earlier that led to this onset of Sunday afternoon blues.

That, plus hunger, plus lethargy, plus the stinking heat, plus watching aliens getting shot on TV.

Sunday, bloody fucking Sunday.

Oktober(mind)fest

Someone wrote on FB today:

Happy 1st October! Only 3 more months to go before we usher in 2011! How much more things to you need to achieve before you bid 2010 adieu?

And it got me thinking - oh by golly, it's time for another self-indulgent, soul-searching entry!

I know pretty damn well what I still need to do before the year ends. It largely involves my career progression, or rather what's lack of it (half full half empty). But it's a lovely day today - bright and sunny, got a day off after a physically hectic few days at work. So instead of focusing on the lack of, let's have a round up of "what had" in the past 10 months.

2010 started a bit sketchy, what with the stress of moving out and house-hunting. Had a bit of a monetary tiff with the previous landlady, which unfortunately didn't quite work out to our benefits - but letting bygones be bygones, I'm happy to move on and never have to deal with her ever again.

Then came the stress of finding a new place within a short time span. That was partly our fault cos we didn't plan ahead, plus we were away for the holidays and got back just on time. This was the first time any of us had to really search for a place to live, considering that we had the convenience of the Student Village in our first year, and then a friend's shared house in the subsequent years. For me, it was the first time that I faced the possibility of not having a roof over my head - lessons in adult responsibility 101.

And we were lucky to have stumbled upon this unit. In fact the place sorta fell onto our laps; we've been looking at several places, none of which really materialized. It was either too expensive, too rundown (we viewed one unit which had a sunken ceiling and rotting bathroom fixtures; another one which was painted in depression and screamed suicidal), too shit of a location. And when we did find ones we really liked, our application was rejected. :(

So when we received a phone call from one of the real estate agencies, saying that a place we had "registered our interest for" had been made available once again, and whether we were interested to view it, we jumped on it immediately. I didn't even remember this place; I think we must have missed the initial viewing sesh or something. Probably due to work, which we couldn't afford to miss either since we had rent deposit to worry about.

As soon as we stepped in, I'd decided that we're ready to move in. It wasn't the biggest flashiest place (in fact it was quite the small), but it felt nice and homey. The rent was surprisingly good for the location that it was in (2 minutes drive from the city!), the view was superb - so all that was left to do now was to convince the agent that we were the perfect tenants.

And we were a bit luckier this time around. :)

After a superbly bad 2009, I was all that more grateful that we finally caught a break. Things were beginning to look up; and the optimism slowly grew over the year. Good things creep up to you unexpectedly, and sometimes unnoticeably as well. Looking back, 2010 has brought me a place of our own, total financial independence, my TR, my first cat, a proper savings account even goddammit.

In 2010, I have also started writing again, started volunteering with Oxfam, established new friendships and revisited old ones. I properly thought about the future and allowed myself to think about family, which you may have noticed in some of my previous entries. Just recently, I've even summed up the courage for forgiveness, as I realized how much and how hard he's tried to work things out with me.

If anything, being here and being with Mitch has taught me to view the dynamics of family ties a lot more differently. I think it's easy to be blinded by each others' faults; and to be fair, sometimes these faults outweigh everything else, so forgiveness isn't necessarily in place for all members. But. I happen to see some redeeming qualities, just a bit. So for now, I start by accepting phone calls, and talking to him. And from there, I'll see how things go. :)

Okok, back to less private stuff.

So now, every time I start moping or wallowing in self-pity, I remind myself that I've come a rather long way from the carefree days of living at home, and living off my parents' support, financially and otherwise. I broke out of my comfort circle and everything that I am so familiar with; and till now, I have yet to build a new one.

But what's living if life isn't a challenge, eh? :) Without realizing, I've crossed several milestones in the past 3 years, and it has taken me down a path I hadn't anticipated previously, which sometimes still shits me. It always make me question myself whether I'd made the right choices in life - but you know what, no such thing as right or wrong choice, just what you make out of it.

Problem is, I'm hopeless with the whole concept of "contentment"; so despite which road I choose, even if it's paved with yellow fucking bricks, I am always gonna ask myself, "Is this right?". I think a certain Robert Frost spoke about this in the last century, if my memory serves me right.

So life lesson 101: Contentment is the key to happiness. If that fails, suck it up and stop whinging (sub lesson 101a: It's probably just hormonal).

Until then, just keep trying. Isn't that what everyone strives for anyway, to find the elusive key to happiness. Or meaning of life, depending on which school of thoughts you belong to. Thus for my remaining 90 days of the year, I vow to soldier on in my quest to forge some semblance of a career in order to fill my present void of discontentment. Cross the bridge when I come to it etc.

Here's to a spectacular rest-of-the-year for all of us! :)


xx
Hsin